Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. Not the good kind of explosion that I get from something that I like and receiving a small, pleasant joy from it. This is a much bigger explosion that has many contributors.
Fuel is added when a hear someone my age complaining about or publicizing their hate for their family or life. When someone comes to me for help and I lie to them saying that I understand when I don't, because none of this has ever happened to me before. When someone (someone who has it rough) says that my life is perfect and I don't have the right to tell them it's not because it would just lead to a who-has-the-worst-life contest which I never win. When Ben willingly joins the herd of dragons that he is usually fighting when he isn't around. When I sit in my room and try not to suffocate from all the disappointment and annoyance and irritation and sadness that forms in a black cloud of smoke above an argument my parents are having with my brother that has me pacing around the room muttering "shut up, just shut up!" under my breath as if they can hear me.
When suddenly a B isn't good enough anymore. When I find myself sitting in sixth period concert band, staring at a boy playing the clarinet and am almost brought to tears as I think about how unreal our present time is, how we all developed such things on such a tiny planet, and if I think beyond that planet I am scared.
When my friends would rather I have straight hair then curly. When the world's problems come into view and my own mind becomes small and petty because there is nothing in those arguments that I can understand, and someone's rebuttal is always going to be better than my points as I try to make sense of what I believe. When I figure out that things take time. When one of my talents is understanding death without tears and the other is making people uncomfortable for my own amusement. When I am thrust into the middle of a clashing war not knowing what side to take or if I should take a side at all, and all I want to do is roll all the coins I have collected and save up enough money to buy my brother a house so that he can get as far away from our mother as he can because I know that's what he wants right now, he just needs someone to do it for him. And I know that mother thinks it's best he live on his own too no matter how much she doubts he'll be able to survive, but it's better then shooting him that's for sure.
When Zoe watches a tv show without me. When she lives for justice to be served for her when the dishes have to be done and the dining room cleaned, and she has already done her part so someone else should do the rest to keep it fair. When I say something brutally honest to her and she repeats the gesture though she doesn't mean it, just to make things equal. When she talks back to the parents because she'd rather have a voice in the matter then be left in the corner to watch this family collapse on top of us like the houses in San Francisco during the 1906 earthquake.
I fear for the future so that gives me the excuse to exaggerate it, because god damnit! The sky is freaking falling on top of me and all I can do is hope someone will catch it before I'm stuck beneath it, refusing to be crushed but not willing to do anything.
And when I look at my explosion inside of me I am not ashamed to think about leaving this life in this town and going off to live as someone else.
When I was little I would lie in bed at night and remember the things that embarrassed me most in the past. My reaction back then was to squirm in my covers until I thought of something else. That soon evolved into me grabbing at the air as if to strangle the invisible beast who brought on these thoughts. Then came the gun I made with my fingers, because threatening must work better then strangling which didn't work at all. Then the words, "I killed a man, I killed him, and he died," would pass over my lips as if I was back In school playing the who-has-the-worst-life game, except this time it's with myself and everyone knows that killing someone is a bigger thing to think about than a stupid moment that embarrassed you. But not even that works. I'm starting to mutter during the day, not just at night, but when I want to keep silent I snap my fingers In an anxious and fidgeting manner.
I wouldn't be surprised if I was going insane, in fact I'd be a bit glad, because according to Alice all the best people are. and one day I'll graduate big school and be able to leave this life in this town, and after I've learned all I've wanted to learn I'll move into a big house and house boarders who are as equally insane so that I am never alone at the tea table when Halloween comes around and the rabbit with the eggs suddenly realizes how late he actually is, but he won't mind, he'll be just as lazy as the rest of the people I know and spare the task for next year.
we'll postpone all our big events because our cousins have birthdays and ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind which is exactly the reason why mother fights with Ben.
Sense is in the making my little wild flowers until next time :-*
-posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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